Well today I am 30 years young, can you all believe it? I feel like I am entering my 30th year with kind a few bags of sadness, fear, and confusion on my back. I was hoping that when the day came I would feel lite as a feather and serene. Truth is, life just isn't like that. We will always begin to have doubts and concerns about what lay ahead, trick is accepting that as being perfectly ok, because once you stop being angry with yourself about your own emotions, they don't have the steering wheel anymore, you do and now they are just passengers.
Passengers in a vehicle that is driving to each needed destination to drop them off and empty the car till the only needed person is the one behind the wheel...YOURSELF completely. I enter this next decade in my life with lots of knowledge, wisdom, love, and experience. I enter this year with new hope and understanding of who I am and what I really want from life. Do I have life all figured out yet? NOPE. Kinda makes me laugh thinking about how many adults in their 30's put on a charade for me growing up, as if they knew all there was to know about life and had everything down to a science. LOL
I'm glad I have concerns about who I am, because it means there is much more to discover. I am glad I've not realized all my dreams yet, because what would there be left worthy of the thrill of such a chase? I'm grateful for the fear and uncertainty because it means I am human, and I am growing, and growing is one of the scariest, invigorating, disheartening, and beautiful things you can ever do in this life. We are always growing, the rate at which we grow depends solely on how hard we fight the process.
This year will be marked with many growing periods that I will remember and honor for the rest of my physical journey. Confidence and a growing sense of true freedom will also mark this year in my personal history book. 2 years ago, I was a depressed, broken, wounded girl who did terrible things in the name of suffering and tried to manipulate love out of anyone who would give it to me. I was in a constant state of belief that life was just HAPPENING TO ME. Then I discovered a truth, it was not through good friends, though they are precious beyond measure and in abundance in my life, it was not through a church sermon, though I still see the beauty in that even though you have to squint to see it sometimes haha, it was INSIDE OF ME, the entire time.
"You're the only one who holds the key to your healing." thats an amazing quote from Angel Haze <3 I truly did hold the key to my healing, the elixir to my sickness, I was the answer to my prayer, the divine to my natural. I discovered this through a grieving period, in which unlike most of us, I finally decided to really take the time. I broke down into the grief process, I grieved my ex girlfriend fully, not allowing anyone around me to dictate what that grief should look like, feel like, or how long it should last. I allowed myself to really feel it, instead of pretending it wasn't there and shoving it down like we so often do. It was in that grieving that I discovered I was healing myself, by allowing myself to be real with me, I was literally going back through years of pain and grieving for real, for the first time.
Grieve properly my loves, that's one of the keys to an amazing life. Find out what that looks like for you, and find some trusted professionals who understand what it means, and go with it...let it flow till you are stronger and more at peace. Another piece of sound advice, you will never find what you are looking for outside of yourself. It sounds cliche but it is so true. No one can love you, heal you, help you, or be good to you like YOU can be. When you are fully loving yourself, it will be so easy to love others in a more enlightened manner. How do you love yourself? Well truly adore you, treat yourself as if you were in love, fall in love with you. In the past 5 years I have done many things.
From 25 to now I have experienced so much. I lived in Nashville for 2 years, I toured the entire country by myself twice for 8 long months, nothing but a guitar and some hope, I came out as bisexual, I was denied Christmas dinner the first year my mother knew, My father got diagnosed with cancer and beat it, my mother got diagnosed with cancer and we are all fighting for her, I fell in love with a woman who had a pill abuse problem and a self identifying problem, and I gave up my virginity to her. Yep thats right, 29 was the year I finally made the leap. lol Still need to do that with a man, but I am not pimping myself out just yet haha.
It was painful losing my ex, but in all her horribleness, in all the abuse I suffered at her hand...I found something extraordinary. I found God. (DON'T STOP READING, let me explain) I'd always believed I was a christian, I even used to be quite the bible belter haha, but it wasn't till I stopped caring what God thought of me that I truly met with him, her, them face to face. When I let go of the worry he wouldn't love me, and decided I didn't need anyone else's love but mine, clear as a bell it rang inside me...I am deity. I am the divine and the divine is me. God and humans are not a separate thing. So my last and final piece of advice, let go of all the things you believe you have to be, because of others expectations, because of a God's holiness, because of where you live, grew up, or where you can make the most money...let it all go and just ask yourself an honest question and really examine the answer you give...this will take a process of really digging deep beyond the lies you've told yourself, and ask yourself "Who do I really want to be?" As this 30th year breaks forth, I will be mindful of asking myself that again and again and again. Happy Birthday Francey, this one's gunna be the best yet <3
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